How to Tell if Your Best Friend is Supernatural

With all of the teen fiction about supernatural friends, crushes, and enemies out there today, you may wonder if these things have a basis in reality.  And if so, is your neighbor a vampire?  Is your mother a werewolf?  Is your BFF a zombie?  Are you in love with a mermaid?  Is your favorite teacher an angel?  Here I present a quick and easy guide to spotting the weirdly supernatural in your friends and enemies. 

                If your friend doesn't like to go out in the sun, has strangely red lips, teeth that seem to grow before your eyes, and always seemed slightly evil, they are probably a vampire.  Up the odds if they have sparkly skin.  (Or, like me, your friend is just very pale and likes to wear a lot of makeup.)

                If your friend is loved by everyone, always happy, and can sometimes predict the future, they're probably an angel.  (Or they might just be really popular and make a lot of lucky guesses.)

                If your friend smells like rotting corpses, has a greenish tint to their skin, and has an unhealthy interest in brains-mostly human ones-they're probably a zombie, or some other undead thing.  (Or they might just need some perfume and a better hobby.  Ideas on these lines would make a great birthday present.)

                If your friend is an unnaturally good swimmer, has a beautiful singing voice, and seems to be able to breathe underwater-or just stay under water for a very long time- they're probably a mermaid or other sea-being.  (Or they just took voice lessons and like to swim.)

                If your friend is strangely absent from most things for a couple days of every month-mostly when the moon is full-and they love dogs, they're probably a werewolf.  (Or they just like dogs, and-for some reason or another-they're always busy around the full moon.)

                If your friend is sort of see-through, rarely opens doors, and likes to talk about ghosts or times from long ago, they're probably a ghost or spirit.  (Or they have a germ obsession and long for the good old days when we could live in ignorance of the tiny bugs plotting our demise.) 

                If your friend has any combination of the above symptoms, they are a mutant supernatural.  No one really knows what/who they are, and it's probably best not to ask them about it.  (Or they could just be a teenager.  It happens.)

                According to this, I'm a vampire.  A vampire who doesn't like any of the many books about vampires I got from the library.  I'd rather be a mermaid.

                Once you identify the supernatural make-up of your friends, it's best not to tell them.  Because, whether or not they turn out to be supernatural, they will identify you as crazy. 

                P.S.  It's probably best not to make anything with garlic to feed to anyone who may be a vampire, never give silver jewelry to your werewolf friends, and never urge your ghost friends to head toward the light.  But feel free to use one or more of these for your enemies.